Something I submitted for an Art Appreciation class. It's supposed to be a self-portrait of sorts but I figured that fitting my life story into a short one wouldn't really cut it. Critique harshly, please. 
It has certainly been a while since I have been writing. I need a wake-up call of sorts.
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“You’re going out?” He tried his best to be calm as I shrugged on my coat. “In this kind of weather?”
“Why?” I answered, looking out the window, taking the last of my tea. I dared not look at him or even glance at him. All it would take was a look from him to break my will. “Looks calm enough.”
“Station said it’ll grown into a storm soon enough.”
“Yeah, but when has it ever been right?” I shrugged, wondering if what he said was more of the weather or more of what was going on inside me. I wondered if he actually knew what it was that I was up to, wondered if so why wasn’t he stopping me and if not, would he stop me if he did knew.
I set my cup down and headed for the door. “Don’t wait up for me.”
I was already outside, my hood up to protect my head from the rain, when a hand clasped itself on my arm and made me turn around.
I did and, finally, looked at his face, at the sad look made more melancholic by the rain. I held my breath for a second and then realized that even if I did look at him, even if I stared down at the very pits of his soul that begged me not to do it, I would do it anyway. Not because I did not care for him, not because I could not care less about what he said and what he thought about me. It was that I did care about him and about what he said that I was about to do the deed.
He was too precious to me to stand to lose.
He sighed. Had he seen the determined look in my eyes? Did he read my mind, my thoughts? He had always seemed to have done so with amazing ease. Did he now know why I have to go? Was he permitting me to proceed with my plans? “Come home safe.”
His gripped tightened, loosened, then let me go.
“I’ll be back just in time for dinner.”
*
The rain hammered on me, bullets from a gattling gun up above. They seemed to want to tear at my skin if not knock me out senseless, to get into my veins, stop me from what I was about to do.
But it had to be because there was no other way around it.
I had thought about it for days, weeks, months, years… my sole obsession – the last hurdle to overcome. I had to do it because there was no way I would be able not to. It had been part of me for a long time, visualizing and dreaming of the moment over and over again. I had run it in my head for as long as I could remember, played scenes, practiced. I had invested so much time, so much effort, that there was no way I would not do it. If I missed my chance now, I knew that I would simply look for another chance to finish it.
“Are you lost? You’ve been walking there for ages.”
The voice, the distorted angelic voice!
Kein!
I looked up slowly, carefully, wanting to believe and yet not. It was as if I was suddenly on tender hooks.
She was just like how I had imagined her to be, how I had known her to be: dark chocolate hair and eyes, as sweet-looking as she was bitter; lips thin and permanently set into a frown like a mask; skin similar to the vampires of the past; nails long and well-manicured.
Yet despite her unfaltering unique beauty, there were also changes. Moles that were not there before were there now. Creases on her face were also present; frowning takes that much in you. I could imagine her frown and the fact that she had more and more reasons to do so as each day passed since I had last seen her and wistfully, I wondered if she would ever smile again and if I would be able to see her smile as if she was really having fun.
“Deaf much?” She continued as I stared at her for a few more seconds.
“I’m not lost.” My voice wasn’t mine. It was a kid’s caught with a hand in someone else’s wallet. Had the rain drained so much of me without me noticing? Had the forces I could never see struck me a fatal blow to protect the creature before me now?
She gave me a closer look, dismissed me, and then turned to walk away.
I watched her take a few steps…
I felt like a mad dog; always chasing the ice cream truck that promised so much delight yet had no idea what I would do once I acquired it? Will it always be like that?
I tightened the grip on my friend and squeezed real tight.
*
I looked up at the sky, at the muscled gray clouds, snails on their way towards the west. I stared at them, shouted, trying my best to tell them that what I had done was what needed to be done, that they had to stop their onslaught on me for I have done no wrong.
But the heavens would not listen and continued to cry for the creature that lay beside me. I shouted again and again, until I felt my throat drier than my bones. Still, the rain continued to punish me and when I realized this, I felt angry. It was I whom they had to weep for, and not the wretched person whom I had taken care of for so long. She was a pampered princess. She had everything the world could ever wish for and more.
Kein stared at the sky too, tears escaping from her eyes that swam in pools of blood. I did not even know if she was really crying or if her tears were those of the rain. But it didn't seem to matter. For so long, she had been laughing, for so long she had been content, smiling an apathetic smile for the world to see. It time for a change of pace, to make up for all the lost moments and chances given up.
“They're crying for you, you know.” I said. “Always have been.”
She made no indication that she heard me, just continued crying, the silent tears joining the millions of other drops everywhere.
I stared at her as she stared at the sky as the sky stared at me. Three figures in a vicious cycle of watchfulness. I wondered if I should move, do something, but Kein was too beautiful already that I dared not even move her doll-like pose. And I was afraid that if I moved, I would lose the sense of imagery I had on her. In the same way that an artist would stare at their masterpiece, so I stared at Kein.
She was a doll. A perfect porcelain doll. Even when she was lying on the road, conscious only because the rain was gentle on her, I could say that if any man would pass by, they would pause, stop and pick her up. Probably clean her, feed her and have her sleep for the night; they accepted payments in kind.
But no one would pass by, not in this storm. And even if they did, no one would see Kein. Not anymore. The heavens were outraged, their anger and grief echoing across the horizon. It flashed it claws at the sky, crooked, tearing at air for it could not tear at me. How could I be so horrible, so ungrateful that I dared do such to a creature as beautiful as her?
Her dress was in tatters just as much as her mind was by now, the beautiful lace torn and stained with blood. As a matter of fact, it was everywhere on the road, mixing in with the tears of some god or other. A shoe was missing from her foot, a glove from her hand and a ribbon from the multitude that was in her mermaid hair. Yet she was still perfect, still beautiful.
Still a doll, still cold and unfeeling.
Still hateful.
Hell was behind me, I know; praising me for a job well-done. It had hungered for years for someone as perfect as Kein. I had made the job easier for them, delivered her soul right into their hands.
Then, Kein looked at me as thunder rumbled in the sky. God's voice, death's voice – it didn't matter. I didn't care anymore. My attention was fully on Kein now that she had had the courage to stir. I looked at her eyes now brimming with an expression so alien to her that I almost smiled at the sight of them.
“I don't want to die...”
Her voice brought memories of her screams, her cries of agony and hate and fear – so much fear that I tasted it, drank it down until I was full. And I was full, my empty stomach satiated. I leaned forward almost earnestly, careful not to disturb her, careful not to let my friend touch her again just yet.
Her lips were cracked, crimson oozing from a corner. In a soft whisper that only I could hear, she asked me why.
Lightning flashed, matching my laughter, making me jump in glee and cringe in maliciousness. Heaven and Hell met for the first time in decades and they fought over which one of us they would take. Careful not to disturb her, I knelt, propped myself beside her as the tears of heaven continued to fall down on us in earnest. I touched her hand, colder than ice, and smiled knowingly and reassuringly.
“You know why.” I whispered back, just as softly as she did.
A crease in-between her perfect brows appeared. I patted her cheek, colder than the winter wherein she gave me the coat I wore now. She had been so full of life then, so full of vigor, so full of unreality.
When I had first met Kein, I was only a child, isolated from the world, shunned because of the blood within my veins. She brought me under her wing, fed me, clothed me, gave me a place to sleep, a purpose. All in the name that I must give up my life for her if need be.
I had been so willing to follow her orders, to follow every whim. I had felt that she understood me and I understood her. But I was wrong, so gravely wrong. When she had refused to give me the glass, I realized everything.
It was a beautiful glass, meant to hold only the best of wines, meant only to be held by the best hands, meant only to be graced by the best lips. I had always worked hard for it. It was my one and only wish. She had laughed at my earnest, asked why I wanted it so much. I had hesitated then divulged my deepest secret, thinking she would understand. Had we not been together almost much of my lived life? Surely a master would understand the brain’s of a slave. Is that why they have become masters in the first place?
However, she did not know how my mind made its way through things. She didn’t understand.
“You broke... every one of them.” She said, as if reading my thoughts, as if now that she was on the brink of travelling into another dimension far from me that her brain had clicked into focus and finally synced with mine. But it was too late for that.
She should have changed before she had to.
I focused back on her, on her cruel face – the piercing eyes, pointed ears, fanged teeth and thin lips.
“No.” I answered, my voice no longer a gasp like hers. “I missed one.”
Lightning flashed, made the final incision between two Souls already far apart; slow thunder followed, Heaven and Hell coming into terms at last? Did all of them now understood? Did all of them finally come into enlightenment? Or is that too much to ask?
“A -?”
I didn’t let her speak anymore, pressing a finger to her lips. I made it quick of course, let my friend touch her again, ever so softly, on the neck, kissing her ever so sweetly, dressing her with rubies for the last time.
The rain fell down harder than before. I looked up and smiled at a job well done.
*
“Abel, you idiot!!”
I heard his voice, the loud booming voice, a mixture of acid and saccharine. I opened my eyes and saw his face. He seemed so tall, so big, so powerful. I smiled at him despite his annoyance, the feeling of snakes waiting to bite me at a moment’s notice hanging in the air.
“It’s cold.” I said, grinning more widely.
“Great inference, Sherlock.” He snapped once more, snakes posing to strike. “What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing lying by yourself?”
I giggled then it bubbled into a laugh. The look on his face made the moment all the more delightful. It was impossible now for me not to beam. “It’s fun.”
He made a face as if I had gone made. “You didn’t break a bone, right?”
“It feels so cold, the pavement. It’s like I’m going to melt right through.”
“Took you long enough to notice?” He shook his head going down beside me. “You’re a mess and you’ll catch pneumonia. Wouldn’t be surprised if you died of it too.”
I sat up slowly, felt the bones in my body snap one by one as I moved them as if I had awaken from a very long and peaceful slumber. And for the first time since I could remember, it did feel peaceful around me. I reached for his hand and held it tight.
Seth finally smiled back at me, telling me that he understood. There was no longer any sign of sorrow in his soul. Yet there was an eagerness in them that I was afraid I was going to let down once more. Wistfully, I wondered if I was doing to him what Kein had done to me.
I dismissed the thought.
I touched his cheek, caressed it and kissed him full on the lips.
I couldn’t do the same thing to him. Not because I was better than Kein, not because she was better than me. It was simply because I had no capability of doing such a thing. I was not Kein, that was it.
Because of that, Kein had to go.
“C’mon.” Seth said, standing up and offering me his hand, his strength. “Dinner’s almost ready.”
The rain didn’t lighten up and made no indication that it would do so any time soon.
As Seth and I walked together back to our sanctuary, hand in hand, somewhere in the distance, I could still hear the gods’ wrath at me, at my defiance. They had deemed my actions wrong but what could a mad dog like me do? How else was I supposed to live other than the way I had lived?
I’ll simply keep on shattering glass.
===END===
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Thank you very much for the critique.
Although this is a stand alone piece, a short story if it could be placed in that category.
I will proceed to the editing as soon as I finish lunch. Once more, thank you.
These are just my opinions! Do with them as you please.
You used wonder to many times. You don't have to keep saying, 'I wonder' every time you MC (Main character) is internally thinking.
You list things before you get to the point which is slowing down the pace of the text. Also, your pack too much in one sentence. It makes it too jarring to read and take in. Work on creating short interesting punchy sentences that get straight to the point and hook the reader.
I am no wizard with grammar, but I can tell that you keep jumping from one tense to another. Again, this is jarring and makes it very difficult to read. Stick to one tense, and I would keep this in the past.
You keep writing in the power of three and it is making me lose my mind! lol, I know you are trying to emphasize something but you are doing it too much. It doesn't have the same effect if their is triple emphasize in every line! Also, I think the reader has waited long enough. Your MC keeps going on about the deed, and I see you are trying to build suspense but you don't want to over do it.
Okay, I have read this far and all your MC has done is leave his house, walk in the rain. That is really the only action so far. The rest was filled with questions that he kept asking. Why does he ask a question after every thought, dialogue etc. Your MC sounds very passive right now. And the text is starting to get boring because nothing has really happened. Your description of the female vampire was fantastic.
You have filled this with too many description of the weather. Too many description of tears and far to many description of the vampire. It is far too much in such a short space. The reader wont be able to digest all your words and take it in. Take out your scissors and start cutting.
The Imagery was great here and I do love your use of personification, but some times I find myself confused. I don't know if your just personifying something or if they are really alive. Is the clouds being personified? Who is this friend? Also, I love the use of pathetic fallacy- the use of the weather to go with the emotions was genius. But still, there is far to much description. Again, take scissors out.
I have no idea what happened. Did he kill kein? Why is he laughing like a mad man on the floor? It seemed kind of out of character. Still, you left me with a good cliff hanger and I want to read more. Here are a few final points.
1. I know you have serious writing skills, it is obvious in the text. But you need to reel yourself back. Don't through everything in during the opening! You don't have to go crazy with tripe emphasize, personification and pathetic fallacy. You have the rest of the book for that!
2. The tense changes are very jarring. I had the same problem (well still do!) and it is really important you take a step back- decide what tense you want to write in and stick to it.
3. This is a very slow start, you spend to much time describing things! Even though your descriptions are excellent, we don't need that much. I want some action I can sink my teeth into